DirTy JoKEs ^^

Two old friends - a Chinaman and a Malay were having a conversation recently ...

Apek: Lu potong zaka ada bagut ka?
Ali: Manyak bagut. Bila lu potong haa lu punya barang manyak bersih loo...
Apek: err ... saya kawan ada cakap, potong zaka aaahh.... manyak ploblem..
Ali: Apa probrem ?
Apek: Manyak buang lui, lagi aahh ... dia punya performance tatak bagut...
manyak cinang semputloh ..
Ali: Cehh... apek, lu apa celita... saya suda lama potong.
tada apa problem... bini saya manyak puas woo...
Apek: Lu mini puas sama itu potong zaka ka?
Ali: Ya laa. Bila lu potong aahh... lagi sedap maen woo..
lu lagi lambat pancut..
Apek: err... lu punya 1.3 atau 1.5??
Ali: woi apek cakap baik2 sikit ha .. saya punya 6 inci laa..
Apek: Tiu nia ma... lu jgn maen2 haa... mana ada potong zaka 6 inci..
Ali: Cilaka apek ni...nah tengok (opens his trousers)
Apek: Chee sin punya olang.....gua tanya baik2 ... lu tunjuk lu punya lanchiau..
Ali: Abis... lu tarak percaya..saya tunjuk la..
Apek: Saya tatak tanya sama lu punya lanchiau...
Saya tanya lu pasal itu nasional car... potong zaka.. molo punya olang..
Ali: Aiya... apek... lain kali lu sebut betul2 la....kasi susa saja..
Bukan potong zaka la..... proton saga........

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The farmer and the salesman

A traveling salesman was driving down a farm road when his car suddenly stopped and wouldn't start again. A farmer on a tractor was passing by and stopped to help the salesman fix his car. By the time they were finished, it was almost sundown, so the farmer told the salesman he could spend the night at his home if he didn't mind sharing the bed with his twin daughters. The salesman thought the twins were kids, so he said it was okay. They farmer took the salesman to his home and went into the house.

After a few minutes of talking and cleaning up, the men were called to the dinner table by the farmer's wife. As they sat down, the salesman saw the two most beautiful young ladies he had ever seen. The farmer introduced them as his twin daughters. During the entire meal all the salesman thought about was he was sleeping in the same bed as the girls and he was going to have a good time that night. They all finished their supper and the men went and talked while the women finished cleaning up. The salesman couldn't keep his mind off what was to be a good time. Finally it was time to go to bed and the salesman anxiously got prepared. The twins got into the bed, one on each side of the salesman. Just as the lights were going to be turned off, the farmer came into the bedroom and placed one egg on both sides of the salesman. The farmer said, "This is to make sure you don't do anything with my daughters tonight!! If I come in tomorrow morning and find one or both eggs broken, I'll know you did something and I'll shoot you!! You understand? Well, the salesman looked at the eggs, the farmer, and the shotgun in the farmer's hand and quietly replied that he understood. With that, the farmer told them goodnight and turned off the light.

During the night, the salesman turned over and accidentally broke one of the eggs. "What the hell," he thought, "I'm dead anyway," and screwed the first twin. After several minutes of bliss, he rolled off of her and broke the other egg. "Might as well go out smiling," he thought and had his way with the second twin. When he was finished, he noticed that it was almost sunup and the farmer was starting to stir. Thinking quickly, he looked into his sales bag and got out a tube of super glue and glued the eggs back together. The glue dried quick and the salesman jumped back into the bed and had just put both eggs back when the farmer entered.

"I see the eggs are alright, so I guess I won't shoot you. Want some breakfast?"

"What are you making?" the salesman asked.

Holding up the eggs, he said, "Eggs."

"No thanks, I'll eat later, I gotta get going!!!" the salesman quickly said and grabbed his clothes and left.

The farmer went to the stove and broke the first egg over the skillet, but nothing came out. He then broke the second egg and again, nothing came out. Extremely pissed off, the farmer walked out to the hen house and shouted, "Alright...which one of you roosters is wearing a rubber???"

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Lion Tamer

A circus owner ran an ad for a lion tamer, and two young people showed up. One was a good-looking lad in his mid-twenties, and the other was a gorgeous blonde about the same age.

The circus owner told them, "I'm not going to sugarcoat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer, so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment: chair, whip, and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The girl said, "I'll go first." She walked past the chair, the whip, and the gun and stepped right into the lion's cage. The lion started to snarl and pant and began to charge her. About half way there, she threw open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion stopped dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawled up to her, and started licking her ankles. He continued to lick her calves, kissed them, and then rested his head at her feet.

The circus owner's mouth was on the floor. He said, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turned to the young man and asked, "Can you top that?"

The young man replied, "No problem, just get that lion out of the way."

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Great Female Combacks

Man "Haven't we met before?"
Woman "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."

Man "Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Man "Is this seat empty?"
Woman "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

Man "So, wanna go back to my place ?"
Woman "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

Man "Your place or mine?"
Woman "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

Man "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman "It's in the phone book."

Man "But I don't know your name."
Woman "That's in the phone book too."

Man "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman "I'm a female impersonator."

Man "What sign were you born under?"
Woman "No Parking."

Man "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman "Do not Enter"

Man "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman "Unfertilized"

Man "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason"
Woman "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"

Man "I'm here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy."
Woman "You mean you've got both a donkey and a Great Dane?"

Man "I know how to please a woman."
Woman "Then please leave me alone."

Man "I want to give myself to you."
Woman "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

Man "I can tell that you want me."
Woman "Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you to leave."

Man "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy
Woman "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."

Man "Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?"
Woman "Sorry, I don't date outside my species.."

Man "Your body is like a temple."
Woman "Sorry, there are no services today."

Man "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman "Good! Let's start with your bank account."

Man "I would go to the end of the world for you."
Woman "Yes, but would you stay there?