What I want??

Seriously, it's my turn to get emo now.
Well, I thought about me currently, my future, my acheivements so far, my strength and weaknesses, my friends, my family....
That's A LOT for goodness sake. I ended up with sleepless nights. It's pretty scary honestly.
*And FYI, this is a lengthy post. You can choose not to read.*

Me Currently
I know I'm still taking SPM, 3 friggin' more papers left, but to be honest, I never had the fear feeling everyone else had from the very beginning of the exam. Even untill now. I never got the feeling like the past when even a small test could make me awake the whole night to cram those knowledge in my brain. See, I'm still blogging. And I sorta made blogging one of my daily routine in life. Like WTH?? When I browse through other SPM mate's blog, I mostly see notifications about blogging delays, whereas my blog postings seem to be more frequent than any other non-SPMers. I don't really know what I want, maybe it's what that makes me so powerless when I'm facing this exam.

Future
I wanted to take psychology. But mum says it's better to take finance and dad says business is not bad. So, which one am I suppose to take? I'm still wondering whether my decision to continue Form 6 next year is a wise decision or not as those subjects require more memorizing skills and I'm really scared of UEC. I know it's really a tough exam. But why the hell am I taking this stupid challenge?? No, I am not challenging myself. Maybe it's because I couldn't let go off my society. Dance society. I haven't performed before and next year I'll have plenty of opportunity to do that as it's the school's 90th anniversary. And there'll be a Cheerleading Squad at school next year. My name's in and I'm part of the AJK but my parents say it's a waste of time and I'm too old for that. (Hello, I don't have anymore of this kinda chance when I graduate in future lar.. If I'm considered old at that age, then what about those who are in their 20's that still continue to cheer?? I actually meant CHARM members...) Plus, you know, the fees is BLOODY expensive.
It's by far the most expensive society I've ever heard in CH history. The Malaysian Cheerleading Organisation had a fixed price for this, so, have to take it lor.
And guess what??
They only take 20 members at max.
I dunno am I suppose to say this or not. At first it's RM 600 per year, then it changes to RM 480 per year and now RM 300 per year cuz the fees is RM 60 per month. But the final fees is a great effort my friend gave out to convince the coach to change the fees into RM 60 every 4 lessons. And she also applied to get some help from the school and to see if the school can support half of our fees or not.. If the school agrees, then we'll need to pay RM 150 per year.
But still, it was really expensive. My parents said it's a NO for me with the initial price... I need to discuss with mom again when she's back from China after the price reduction... I really wanted to join lar... Please mom and dad, please.......

Me Acheivements so far
Oh, I've got a major headache in this issue. I've been attending art classes, ballet classes, badminton classes, calligraphy classes, taekwondo classes, yoga classes and piano classes when I was young. But till now, piano class is the only survivor as the piano is bought and was placed at the corner at home. I wanted to continue ballet class, but mom always said that I'm very busy, I got no time for it and my body size doesn't fit. She says I won't have a chance to be the main character. (Like who cares about that?? I only wanted to be on stage and that's it. I know it's better to get that role, but since I'm having this kinda body figure, I don't care larh~) OK fine, I buy you. But I really want and will continue when I graduate from high school as it's a total waste with the current level I'm at now. People younger than me are overtaking my level already lar.......... =(
Seen those classes above? I have the best acheivements for art only. I took part in many art competitions. And I got loads of prizes, but I'm still not a professional. Maybe it's just some luck I got everytime but not talent.
Oh gosh, my self esteem is SUPER low right now. Even the position in class this year dropped from the 9th to the 18th... WTF lar... Stupid BM lar.. *Argh*
And something to be happy about is that I went out of my comfort zone to speak out on stage. I took part in the Poem Recitation Contest in form 3 but I sorta ruined the whole thing as I forgot the script and Debate Team last year made me improve part of my speaking skills. I too, had fear attending AKLTG's event sometimes as they require us to tell everyone our acheivements.
I can only say that I won many art competitions..
Like shit la...
Other people's list is so damn long saying what MSSD, MSSS in badminton, tennis, squash or whatever games lar... And then piano diploma la, performed in Istana Budaya, KL Pac before la... Snooker also included. Some also bragged about their ice skating lar, represent Malaysia whatever lar.. I really wanted to have a talent in something. But what is that?????????? Frustrated lar.... *ugh*

My strength and weaknesses
Self-esteem is at a super low level currently. Have no idea what are my strenghts, if you know you tell me lar. Weaknesses a lot la, but I don't wanna say it out to offend my most important person lar. Damn kelian one you know??

Friends & Family
I wonder why I thought of this topic. Maybe I just couldn't accept the part that my friends are actually graduating earlier than me as since young, people around me have the same age, study the same thing, worry about the same thing etc. Now, they'll be going after their dreams, worry about the application of that particular university and that scholarship, forming a family of their own(I dunno lar, I heard some of them planning to get married in 5 years time lor..), buying dream car and house at the age of X, earn 1st million at the age of X, studying abroad........ Why do I have no feelings in this?? I use to have this strong feeling before. I told my parents I'll give them wealth in their future life. I told them they can buy anything they wanted without glancing or peeping at the price. I too, told them that they can buy a large amount of things they wanted, which fullfills the demand of quality and quantity. So many promises. I want to make it come true.



See, these are what that made me so depressed now.
I know I'm a person that wants almost everything and you may think that whatever I want is SUPER expensive.
But how? That's my interest.
I know I'll be increasing the burden to my parents, but I can tell them that I can pay them back and treat the fees they paid for me all these years as a lifetime loan. SERIOUS.
I can do that.

Damn sad larh.
These few days of break, guess what I've done. DVD marathon, computer, eat, sleep, day dream, newspapers. WTF. Okay you can say I did lots of driving too as I drove my brother here and there for sports and fetch my maid to my mum's shop.
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What I want lar.... What the hell I want??
I need a shoulder to sob again.
Feeling so helpless right now.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
GGGGGGGGGGGG
HHHHHHHHHHHHH
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!